The Middle

It's been 4.5 weeks since I came off of the hormones from the failed FET (frozen embryo transfer). It is NUTS what a difference there is in my body.  It feels almost fully back to normal- emotionally and physically. 

The first week afterwards was reallllly horrible.  I felt like a complete mess. I mean, there has GOT to be a different protocol to come off of those meds.  I was so weepy on top of being sad, and then more weepy.  I was under a bit of a stressful situation with my floors being ripped up right at the same time and dealing with that and I thought "I cannot deal with this."  I remember talking with my mom and just crying and saying "Why can't someone else just come and do everything!? I can't do this. I can't deal with insurance and floor repair people and the flooring company and the plumber and be coming off of these hormones. I want to curl up into a ball and stay there. Please do all of it for me!!!!"  So my mom is awesome. And my dad is awesome.  They helped me stay calm and walk through everything everyday.  So were my friends and my awesome roomie.  This is the part where doing this without a partner, husband, boyfriend, someone who is my romantic rock, is hard.  Its on me. 

Yes, I have an AMAZING support system, but at the end of the day- its me. And that is hard sometimes.  

I definitely had a grieving period of knowing I will not ever give birth to a girl, but I cannot dwell there.  It doesn't do me any good.  It was not to be.  I am trying to  stay positive and in good spirits that the boy will stay and we'll go forward!

I also want to give a fair warning for those of you that go through this or are thinking about it, and it doesn’t work, like in my situation. When you come off of the hormones you wait for your period to start again. It took about three days for that to happen, and because the lining of the uterus is thick and accepted the embryo, when that shed, I Had cramps like I have never had in my life. The kind of cramps where in the middle of you walking across the room you have to stop walking, because you think you’re going to die. So that lasted about four days and was not fun. But I think it’s important for people to know, and not sugarcoat it.

 I am feeling about 90% back to normal- I fit in my bras again, so that is definitely progress!  ;) It seemed like there was a layer of fluid just under my skin during the process that I am happy is gone.  Let me be clear though- IF I had been (or will actually be pregnant)- bring it on.  All of these symptoms mean something miraculous is happening.  But when it doesn't happen, man! It is like a cruel joke and it is wonderful when it goes back to normal.  

Now that I am feeling almost normal again, I will start the last round in December.  Its the last shot.  It seems I cannot have them the good old fashioned way, as discussed in earlier posts, and so if this doesn't work, I will take a looooong break and look at adoption down the line.  There will be no hurry.  At least I will know one way or another by the new year.  People ask if I will go through it again and the answer is no.  Financially, it is SO expensive.  Emotionally, it is SO expensive.  Physically, it is SO expensive.  I know how to take a hint and even if I had a million dollars, I think I still would not go through it again.  Thats why I really do hope it works.  

I'll keep y'all posted, but for now, be good to yourself.  If you are preggers, are able to become pregnant, have kids already, be thankful and joyful.  Even if it sucks at the grateful you are able to have this experience. It really is amazing.